major fail.

Breastfeeding. Was a FAIL.
She wouldn't latch in the recovery room. So an hour later the nurse brought me a nipple shield. Which I regret trusting the nurse so bad. I have inverted nipples, I always had, and always knew that. She latched with the shield, but it took her forever to nurse! like I'd nurse for an hour and a half and 30 minutes later she'd want to nurse again. But my prideful self, thought I knew it all, I didn't want to see the lactation consultant. Never did.Which I regret so bad. She lost a pound so we had to introduce formula, like 20 oz after I nursed. I was so upset, I felt like I had failed her, women are supposed to be meant to feed their children. We don't NEED formula. But we were in the hospital 5 days, and I had too. Tuesday after she was born, my milk came in. She was in the NICU and they didn't even bring me a pump, or tell me she was hungry, they just gave her formula. I was so upset. I wanted to nurse her. I was there, she needed me. Well we continued to nurse with the shield. Every single hour. It was exhausting, I tried weaning her from the shield, she latched on three times, we couldn't get it. It upset me so bad. I wanted to nurse. At 6 weeks, I began to take birth control, the doctor told me it wouldn't affect my supply. It did. It tanked, She was starving cranky. And I wasn't producing. I quit, she was 8 weeks old. It was the hardest most emotional parenting decision I have made so far. I wish, I knew the knowledge I know now. There were so many reasons I didn't have the supply she needed to strive.

Nipple Shield. I'm anemic. Birth Control. My pump sucked, and I couldn't pump.

I regret this. So bad. Not asking. Not researching. Before I gave up. I know now, I could've took pills for lactation. Took herbs. Pumped more. Took more than my 3 pills of Iron a day. Weened her from the shield. I know this now. After my milk dried up.

If I would've known this then, I wouldn't had quit.
When you know better, you do better. So please don't judge. I am still battling the depression that comes from stopping. I can't forgive myself. I still feel like a failure. But I'm doing what I can. She isn't ruined.