Wednesday, May 23, 2012

4 months old!

Food: 4oz of fomula, and we're introducing solids! So far she's had peas, carrots, bananas, and apples! She loves the apples!

Weight: 13lbs 13 oz

Height: 26 inches

Active: I can now roll over and can almost sit up by myself, almost.

Favorite toy: Her baby Einstein jumper!

Favorite sleeping spot: In the moby, or her swing!

How long do I sleep: ALL NIGHT! 11-8 normally :)

getting so big! love you baby! happy 4months!

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Nothing goes as planned.

Well, since I had Emerson the plan was for me to go back to work once hunter graduated and then us move out. Well we applied for two income based apartments, that we could afford with hunter's pay check but we wouldn't have any leftover for groceries or gas money. or anything for emerson. So I would have to go back to work. So my old manager had been telling me I could come back whenever. So by chance two weeks ago I ran into my old district manager and he said I could come back whenever just to call him. We had been banking on my going back there.  Job security. So today, I call him, he said to just go online to put in an application to be in the system, so I go on the website and the only available jobs were for managers and assistant managers. Not what I'm eligible for or want. So I called the district manager back he said just fill it out anyway. So I clicked the manager one. Spent 2 hours filling it out, well maybe not that long, I had to feed Emerson in the middle of doing it. lol. I click submit, it comes to a page saying I'm not eligible for this job. I started bursting in tears. I need this job. We need me to have this job. Flexible hours and good people. I need money. Hunter came in and saw me in tears, and assured me everything would be fine. But i'm scared. so scared. So I'm gonna try to fill out the assistant manager one tomorrow and if that doesn't work call the district manager. It really ruined my day. I feel like our plans have been thrown completely around. But on the plus side we applied for our apartments, one is not so nice not in a great neighborhood and one is awesome. But you can guess which one is cheaper, I kinda hope we just get the cheaper one, which will help us out a ton. But we'll see, I know God has a plan and everything will come in time. So we're just praying.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

First Mothers Day

My first second mothers day. 2012
Last year, the friday before mothers day I got 3 positive pregnancy tests! This year Emerson turned 4 months old, today! I got up, Hunter (and Em) gave me candy and a chocolate heart cake (yummy!) We went to church, I got to stand up with all the mommies! The childrens church gave all the moms chocoloate. It was sweet, I was an emotional wreck all day. Tearing because I am a mom, because Emerson's now 4 months old, because I have the best daughter. I've been crying a ton! So we leave church and got eat at Genghis, me, hunter, and em. It's funny that before your a mom you don't notice this holliday much, but today it was so important. I have a daughter. I AM a mom and it's just sweet. I look at Emerson and realize how much I brag on her. She can laugh, smile, roll over, jump, dance (well, pelvic thrust), she burps louder than anyone I've heard. I'm so proud, I tell her she's a genious, which she is, at least in my eyes. She knows songs and loves music, we read and she touches pictures. She's mine and she's so smart. I think that's why I'm loving mother's day this year, because I am a mother, I'm hers and I'm the only mom she'll ever have. And i'm so lucky. I can't put it into words but my first mothers day was surreal. It was amazing, because Emerson is mine and she has me. I'm blessed.

major fail.

Breastfeeding. Was a FAIL.
She wouldn't latch in the recovery room. So an hour later the nurse brought me a nipple shield. Which I regret trusting the nurse so bad. I have inverted nipples, I always had, and always knew that. She latched with the shield, but it took her forever to nurse! like I'd nurse for an hour and a half and 30 minutes later she'd want to nurse again. But my prideful self, thought I knew it all, I didn't want to see the lactation consultant. Never did.Which I regret so bad. She lost a pound so we had to introduce formula, like 20 oz after I nursed. I was so upset, I felt like I had failed her, women are supposed to be meant to feed their children. We don't NEED formula. But we were in the hospital 5 days, and I had too. Tuesday after she was born, my milk came in. She was in the NICU and they didn't even bring me a pump, or tell me she was hungry, they just gave her formula. I was so upset. I wanted to nurse her. I was there, she needed me. Well we continued to nurse with the shield. Every single hour. It was exhausting, I tried weaning her from the shield, she latched on three times, we couldn't get it. It upset me so bad. I wanted to nurse. At 6 weeks, I began to take birth control, the doctor told me it wouldn't affect my supply. It did. It tanked, She was starving cranky. And I wasn't producing. I quit, she was 8 weeks old. It was the hardest most emotional parenting decision I have made so far. I wish, I knew the knowledge I know now. There were so many reasons I didn't have the supply she needed to strive.

Nipple Shield. I'm anemic. Birth Control. My pump sucked, and I couldn't pump.

I regret this. So bad. Not asking. Not researching. Before I gave up. I know now, I could've took pills for lactation. Took herbs. Pumped more. Took more than my 3 pills of Iron a day. Weened her from the shield. I know this now. After my milk dried up.

If I would've known this then, I wouldn't had quit.
When you know better, you do better. So please don't judge. I am still battling the depression that comes from stopping. I can't forgive myself. I still feel like a failure. But I'm doing what I can. She isn't ruined.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Birth Story.

Well her due date was January 10th. Here we go.

January 3rd. I couldn't sleep, braxton hicks had happened since 25 weeks, though I always wondered if 'this is the real thing' I text-ed hunter (we still lived with each of our parents) saying it wasn't a good day, so I would text him if anything happened. He decided to just come over and skip school. So about 9 am, the contractions where about 5 mins apart. (thank you iphone apps) so about 11am I was craving a salad, and the contractions were about 3 mins apart, so we packed up headed to the hospital. But of course, we stopped to eat on the way. Zaxbys grilled chicken ceaser salad :) yummy. The contractions died down, but we went to the hospital any way. 1cm dilated 40% effaced. yepp. I got sent home, so discouraged.

January 4th, contractions every 15 mins all day.

January 5th, Doctors appointment! 1 cm 50% effaced. My doctor offered induction, I said no because I wanted to go into labor and hopefully labor naturally. My blood pressure was a little high, so they checked my blood/urine, and said I was healthy enough to go another week, but if I got a headache to go in to labor and delivery.

January 6th. nothing.

January 7th contractions every 15 mins, and by 8pm I had an excruciating headache, so I took a shower and we got to the hospital at 10 pm. They did labs and my blood pressure was fine. They told me to go home and take and Advil. I was so ready by this point.

January 8th nothing

January 9th nothing

January 10th. DUE DATE!  I sat on the couch and cried all day. Nothing happened.

January 11th nothing

January 12th Doctors appointment 1 cm 60%. No progress. I was so upset. But I had a NST because my blood preasure was really high. I was contracting regurally, any my blood preasure was too high for my doctor to safely allow her to stay any longer, this was at 40w2d. So I was told to be at the hospital at 4pm to be induced. So we went to Chillis (I needed a good lunch, I was gonna push a baby out that night!) So we got there, I expressed that I didn't want to be laying in bed or get an epidural. Though so many nurses kept making remarks that 'they' wanted other wise. So I got an IV (ouch!) I cried, the lady didn't know what she was doing. Got some antibiodics (Group B) and they started Pitocin. I could feel the contractions but they weren't bad it was mostly excitement! We filled out her birth cirtificate papers and I read all the pamplets they gave us. I got up about every 30 minutes to pee because of the dumb fluids! Wayy too much. So about 9 pm we decided to get as much rest as we could. But of course, that was when the contractions got wayyy stronger. I felt great when I sat on the toliet, I guess just the squatting. I moved from the tolite, the birthing ball, and the bed for what seemed like forever. Though I never said pain, only PREASURE. Over and over again. 'SO MUCH PREASURE' 'THERE'S A LOT OF PREASURE, HUNTER.'

January 13th (friday) I did the back in forth, toliet, walking, ball, bed until about 9am (yeah) I had such terrible back labor. My doula held my belly off my pelvis with this scarf like thing, which helped, I used hot socks, Ice packs and nothing helped. So by 1pm I was screaming so bad, I was snapping at Hunter, I needed something, I wanted to know how dialated I was, honestly just to see how much more I would have left to endure. I was 6 cm. 6 CM!!! After, 21 hours. I needed something. Hessitant to get the epidural, I got something in my IV (which I would later regret) . It didn't help the pain, It didn't take the edge off, It made me sleepy. Drowsy. SLEEPY. I couldn't get any sleep, because the contractions came, every 2 minutes, and I could feel every bit of them. But I was drowsy, wayyy drowsy. I had to pee, but was too drowsy to walk.  So at 2pm, I asked for the epidural. I had to pee, so bad, the nurse gave me a bed pan (as if I could pee with everyone watching) I was 6.5 cm dialated. I still had to pee. They told me to pee in the bed, I couldn't do that. The doctor came in but I was so drowsy, I don't remember much. Hunter held me as I crouched over the pillow, the nurst kept begging him to sit down saying he was turning pale (he wasn't), But she kept pushing him down, though he was holding me, so when she pushed him to the chair, I went too.  They laid me down, I felt a slight burning in my legs, they catherized me (finally, I peed). I kept thinking to myself, this wasn't my birth plan, but I was relieved, I felt relaxed, as if I could enjoy the birth of my daughter. I don't regret the epidural. I was still drowsy, so slept a little. It was 6:30pm (yeah, you read right, 26 hours of labor), I was 10 cm 100% and ready to push. After an hour (AN HOUR) of pushing they relized she was sunny side up. (Thank you, daughter) So that was what had caused the horrible back labor. She hadn't even moved a bit after an hour of pushing, but they said it was my choice to either have a csection or push some more. I wanted to push. I was NOT going to be in that 33% of csection births of america. Around 8pm, my epidural wore off, I felt like I was tearing, I wanted more, they gave me a little bit more medicine. I pushed 2 more hours, 9:30pm. She hadn't moved one bit. They told me, she wasn't coming out. I needed a csection. I broke down. 31 hours of labor for nothing? I was hurt. I felt like I have failed. I am a woman. Women are MENT to give birth, that's what we do. So I was prepped for surgery. They gave me more epidural, It burned. It felt like fire going thru my legs, I was screaming that it was burning. I was sobbing. Hunter was crying. My doula was crying. They wheeled me back to the OR. This was the wierdest experiance of my life. I laid their alone, arms strapped to the table, just waiting. The recorded it, start time 10:59pm. Hunter and my mom came in. It didn't seem real. The surgery team was just talking casually, I was drowsy, drifting in and out, the lights were so bright. Then I hear, 'I see a head'. Then '11:00pm exactly, It's a girl' Then hunter turns to me, and cries "She's so beautiful." I couldn't see her. I couldn't hear her. I was so drowsy. Then I hear her cry. It was the craziest thing, one minute she was inside of me, the next she was yelling for us all. I was crying. I  wanted to see her, they didn't even show me her. I wanted to hold her. I yell, how much did she weigh?! How much does she weight? I wanted to know. It was important to me. So important. A nurse yells '8lbs 12oz' I cried. Then FINALLY. A nurse gave her to hunter, and yelled put her by my face. I wanted to smell her. I just staired. And cried and admired. She WAS beautiful. She looked just like me. She looked just like Hunter. She was beautiful. I cried. But I could still feel, the doctor, I felt tugging, I still screamed, but I didn't care I was in the pressence of my baby girl. I forgot the world exsisted. Nothing mattered. Nothing mattered except the fact that we were now 3. We were a family. Happy, teary eyed, and exhausted but we were a family. Then hunter asked the nurse 'When can they breastfeed?' At the moment, I didn't think about it, but I was so proud and happy that Hunter cared enough about us to ask. The nurse said that we could in the recovery room. So we went to the recovery room, my mom brought us our cameras and phones (no cameras allowed in OR :( sad) She was asleep, so they gave her a bath to wake her up. We facetimed our family in the waiting room, everyone was crying. It was so surreal. It was the best. The handed her to me, It really hurt to hold her, It still dows sometimes.It was hard to hold her enough for her to latch, Hunter really helped me out. She latched a little, but not a lot, and wouldn't eat. The nurse said she was probally just drowsy, and wait a little while. (which I deffinately regret). The wheeled us back to our room, and our family joined us. Passing her from arms to arms. So many cameras. So many memories. After 31 hourse total. She was here. She was ours. All 8lbs 12oz 21.5 inches of her. Friday January 13th, 2012 at 11:00 pm. 

She was here. She was ours. All 8lbs 12oz 21.5 inches of her. Friday January 13th, 2012 at 11:00 pm.  
Emerson Grace Lewis

Longggggggggggggg Time No See

Well, I started this blog, a long time ago. And just quit. But I just want to start blogging again. Well, that little bump in the belly, turned into an 8lb 12oz baby girl. Who will be 4 months old on mothers day! :) I will catch yall up in the coming weeks.