I'm not going to lie.

Some nights, after Emerson goes to bed and before Hunter gets home, all I do is get on pinterest a read random blogs. Most of them have to do with newborn, baby, and pregnancy stuff. I'm not going to lie, I get baby fever BAD. Disclaimer: I AM NOT pregnant. Nor will be for at the very least 3 years. VERY LEAST. But sometimes, I want another bad! I miss just holding Emerson, and her being so small, I hate how I've blinked and 7 months have gone by. But most of the cause of my baby fever, is plans! I want to have a home birth. I've already looked into midwives in my area, and call me crazy but i've actually talked to one. hah. I want to breast feed and cloth diaper. Honestly, I just want a lot of kids. I asked hunter a few weeks ago how many kids he wanted, he told me 1. WHAT?!? I definitely do not feel 'finished'. Honestly, I LOVE being pregnant. I love being able to have a belly, and show it off. I love the waddling. I love pregnancy and birth, and just reading about it. I love researching options and alternative ways to do things. I just love babies. One of my main reasons for actually working out and eating healthier, is so I can be fit enough to have a healthy pregnancy and give birth at home. If I had my way I'd have 4+. I want more than 2, but don't want to have a middle child, so 4 makes since to me. Hunter of course will always be worried that we wont be able to provide. The ladies at the gym yesterday told me that I wasn't allowed to have anymore children because Emerson is such a good baby that the next one will be a terror. I just can't but wander how many children I will end up having. But in the mean time, we're going to school, hopefully will get married, and buy a house, then we'll start popping them out. I just love the thought of Emerson having a sibling.


*I know this post probably makes zero since, but it's just my feverish ramblings that have been on my mind.

When your mourning your birth.

Five months ago tomorrow I was going in to be induced. That wasn't the plan. 17 hours later, I was getting an epidural. That wasn't the plan. 7 hours after that, I was being prepped for a c section. That wasn't the plan. An hour later, my daughter was born, and the doctor cut her cord. That wasn't the plan. She wasn't placed on my chest. That wasn't the plan. I didn't get to breastfeed right away. That wasn't the plan. So what do you do when your birth turns out the complete opposite than what you had longed for, dreamed of, and wanted? I still don't know. Every few weeks someone on my Facebook, announces their getting induced (typically at 38-39 weeks). It makes my sad, why? You don't have to! You don't need to! Why do we not trust our bodies to do what we were meant to do? It saddens me. But those are other girls, who probably did not have the knowledge, or did not do their research. But I did. So how did I end up with a horrible labor? Why did I end up with a c section? To be honest, it hurts, it hurts in so many ways. To not be able to birth a baby vaginally, let alone, naturally. For my body not to be able to do what it was made to do. And here we are five months later, and I still have not GOTTEN OVER IT came to terms with it. Honestly, I don't think I ever will. For 9 months, I planned this natural birth, I felt empowered, I felt in-tune, and in 31 hours all my planning, prepping, and preparing went down the drain. Then, I hear all the time "Well, since you've had one c section, you'll have to always have c sections" NO. I do not. It's called a VBAC and I wish there was more support. I wish that there was doctors and hospitals that were more pro- VBAC than pro-c section. But there isn't, not in the Chattanooga Area, and especially not in North Georgia, and it sickens me. It sickens me to know that unless I move, and even then, I probably have no hope to have a vaginal birth in the future, and that depresses me. I didn't want this the first time, and there is no way I'll put myself thru it again. My doctor told me "Well if you couldn't push a baby out the first time, you'll probably won't be able to your second baby". And that was when I lost all faithfulness in this doctor. But I can't think of birthing a second baby into this world, when i'm still mourning the first. But what do you do? When your mourning your birth? What can you do? All I know is, it hurts and no one truly understands what I went thru am going thru. When people tell me, "You don't know what labor is like you had a c section" "oh you just had a c section" "you don't know the pain, you had a c section". It hurts. No one understands. I went thru 17 hours of natural labor and 7 more hours of exhaustion, for what? To have my uterus sliced open. And I still cannot not grasp on why it happened? Why me? I wasn't like most young moms I know. I did my research. I made it to, and past 40 weeks. So why am I the one who ended up with a c section? And why can I not come to peace with it. I know that, I am still just as much as a mother. I know that I still got the most precious thing in the world. But I'm still mourning, too.