To Find Peace.

Because I'm still not at peace with Emerson's birth, I'm still mourning, and I still have flairs of PPD and even PTSD. Because I'm still not healed, I'm still going to write about it. I see moms, new, old, and expecting say things like it's not that bad, it will be okay, well I just don't see why you had a c section. And it hurts. It cuts deep, real deep. I see moms who birth these 5lb, 36 week babies and say it's no big deal. Their babies are fine, and they had the birth they planned. No they're not fine. I cannot stress enough, the maturity and development a baby born at 40 weeks has compared to a baby born at 38. People tell me all the time that Emerson is advanced, I say thank you, But in reality I want to say, NO. She's NORMAL. Born post-40 weeks is NORMAL. Have they never thought that maybe, the 40 week baby is not advanced, it's the 38 week baby that is slow. This may offend some people. But quite frankly I don't care. I'm tired of people telling me my child is advanced, but don't attribute or think enough that maybe, it's because she was born post-40 weeks. Not because I didn't feel like shit the last 2 months of pregnancy, not because I was perfectly in shape, and not because my doctor refused to induce me, It was because I knew it was vital to keep a child in as long as they want to be. I'm just so tired of see of people at 36 weeks complaining and wanting to be induced. Did you know the brain is 1/3 of the size at 35 weeks as it is at 40 weeks? Yepp, but those babies are fine. They breath and eat, so they are fine. But what about the long term effects, what about when that child start school? What about when that child tries to get into college? Are we too uncomfortable those last few weeks to disregard our children's future? I'm sorry, but there are too many benefits to keep a baby in for you to tell me your just to uncomfortable. That is my rant. I've come to realize my depression flairs up when someone close to me has a child. If they have a c section I pity them, I understand how bad the pain is, and helpless you really are. If they have a vaginal birth, I'm jealous, that's what I wanted, wish for, and mourn for. But if I had to do it all again, I would not change a thing. I kept her in for as long as I could, and I firmly believe that gave her the best start to life, to a great future. And I would not change her well being for anything. It just makes me mad when people do not realize the importance of keeping the babies in the oven. But we are products of our experiences, we only do what we know. When we know better, we do better.

Sorry for the Silence.

This has been a rough week. I've always struggled with pretty bad anxiety. But when I got pregnant, a lot of it went away. After I had Emerson, I showed no signs of postpartum depression. Until, I quit breastfeeding. I quit at 8 weeks, so 2 months. I then, mainly got depressed, because I felt like I had failed my daughter. I never told my doctor, because honestly I'm afraid to admit it. I'm not one to take a lot of medicines. So I didn't bring it up. After I began looking into why I had a c-section, I began stressing. Add the fact that I went back to school full time and my parents are in the middle of a divorce and I've been pretty stressed out. Well within the past week, my anxiety is back. I'm nervous to leave the house, then I get stressed that I'm staying here too long, then I randomly get nervous that hunter will leave. I'm just anxious all the time. I'm always on edge. I know what triggered it. I haven't had a period since may. So as of yesterday, I've missed two. I've switched birth control (which has made me gain a lot of weight). But I've taken two tests so I don't think I'm pregnant. But just the thought that I could've been has made my anxiety come back and i'm just trying to snap back. It's been a rough week and I'm trying to get out of the rut. I've got to go back to the doctor in a few weeks so I think I'm gonna try to get an IUD because we cannot get pregnant right now and I'm just so scarred I will. I've just been on edge. So sorry for the silence. I've got some posts planned so stay tuned!

When your mourning your birth.

Five months ago tomorrow I was going in to be induced. That wasn't the plan. 17 hours later, I was getting an epidural. That wasn't the plan. 7 hours after that, I was being prepped for a c section. That wasn't the plan. An hour later, my daughter was born, and the doctor cut her cord. That wasn't the plan. She wasn't placed on my chest. That wasn't the plan. I didn't get to breastfeed right away. That wasn't the plan. So what do you do when your birth turns out the complete opposite than what you had longed for, dreamed of, and wanted? I still don't know. Every few weeks someone on my Facebook, announces their getting induced (typically at 38-39 weeks). It makes my sad, why? You don't have to! You don't need to! Why do we not trust our bodies to do what we were meant to do? It saddens me. But those are other girls, who probably did not have the knowledge, or did not do their research. But I did. So how did I end up with a horrible labor? Why did I end up with a c section? To be honest, it hurts, it hurts in so many ways. To not be able to birth a baby vaginally, let alone, naturally. For my body not to be able to do what it was made to do. And here we are five months later, and I still have not GOTTEN OVER IT came to terms with it. Honestly, I don't think I ever will. For 9 months, I planned this natural birth, I felt empowered, I felt in-tune, and in 31 hours all my planning, prepping, and preparing went down the drain. Then, I hear all the time "Well, since you've had one c section, you'll have to always have c sections" NO. I do not. It's called a VBAC and I wish there was more support. I wish that there was doctors and hospitals that were more pro- VBAC than pro-c section. But there isn't, not in the Chattanooga Area, and especially not in North Georgia, and it sickens me. It sickens me to know that unless I move, and even then, I probably have no hope to have a vaginal birth in the future, and that depresses me. I didn't want this the first time, and there is no way I'll put myself thru it again. My doctor told me "Well if you couldn't push a baby out the first time, you'll probably won't be able to your second baby". And that was when I lost all faithfulness in this doctor. But I can't think of birthing a second baby into this world, when i'm still mourning the first. But what do you do? When your mourning your birth? What can you do? All I know is, it hurts and no one truly understands what I went thru am going thru. When people tell me, "You don't know what labor is like you had a c section" "oh you just had a c section" "you don't know the pain, you had a c section". It hurts. No one understands. I went thru 17 hours of natural labor and 7 more hours of exhaustion, for what? To have my uterus sliced open. And I still cannot not grasp on why it happened? Why me? I wasn't like most young moms I know. I did my research. I made it to, and past 40 weeks. So why am I the one who ended up with a c section? And why can I not come to peace with it. I know that, I am still just as much as a mother. I know that I still got the most precious thing in the world. But I'm still mourning, too.